Saw (tool)
If you were looking for Saw (disambiguation), please click there. Not here. That would be absolutely terrible for you to do. If you were looking for the movie Saw (film) that is educational, please click over there. (< that way <) If you were looking for the horror movie Saw (horror film), then you're wrong. A saw is a tool often used to kill people with to cut wood with, and to cut wood with only. It's significance is to be able to be of use to humans and dinosaurs, even though it was the dinosaurs who created the saw firstly. And this was included among many other tools which are substantially significant in the modern life of people. They just have no idea what significance it really has. Yet. A saw is a common weapon but you can get in trouble by the law for using it as a weapon, so make sure they don't find out that it was you when they investigate, and to do this, you would simply take an atomic bomb and blow up their headquarters, making random policemen fly everywhere, bleeding to death and etc. from many, many other things. History Dr. Fudgewad Chainsaws have been around since the dinosaurs, because there was this one really smart dinosaur who was creating time machines and such smart and hard-to-create things like that, and his name was Dr. Fransteenly Bigaed Williamsonsen, and everyone just called him Dr. Fudgewad, because he was a jerk to everyone and all he did was eat beef jerky and gloat about how great his mind was. Development He developed the chainsaw in 13,000 BC when he was done watching that football game that was on TV then (the football team he wanted to win didn't win, and, of course, it was dinosaurs playing, not humanoid lifeforms, as everyone would expect for something to happen at a time like way back then), he decided that it was time to create something powerful and destructive, so he manufactored the chainsaw, which became very useful later in his life, because a few years later, there was a very large dinosaur that was twice his size and absolutely hated his guts. Mr. Warrington Pride His name was Mr. Warrington Pride and he weighed 7,770 pounds and was over seventy feet tall, notably five times larger than a semi-truck that was souped up to where it could walk standing up. He wanted to kill Dr. Fudgewad so much that he ate logs and drank mud "just because he felt like it". When asked why he hated Dr. Fudgewad in an interview, he had this to say......... "Well, Dr. Fudgewad is such a jerk that I just want to take his eyes and squeeze them, then I want to eat his guts raw, then take his arms and cook them, blend them in a blender until they are smooth as cream, drink it after I melt his bones in the microwave of my house and skin him with a knife and drink his blood with the smoothie that I made." He didn't finish, but the interviewer was so sick that she went and barfed all over the pavement in front of some random kid who died from it after telling his mom, who really didn't care about what he had to say about it. The epic battle The match between Dr. Fudgewad and Mr. Warrington Pride took place in 16,000 BC and it was epic and long, lasting into the ADs, notably all the way up until 1998, when Mr. Warrington was killed by a punch to the face, knocking out all 3,786 of his teeth, making him fall randomly from the eighty stories high that they were (they were on the roof of a building at the time) and he hit the ground with a thud, shaking the entire earth, and making the building that Dr. Fudgewad was on to collapse. Finally, Dr. Fudgewad set off a bomb that blew up the city and he escaped, fleeing to Mars, and the city (which was New York City, of course) rebuilt, celebrating the battle as it was evident that Mr. Warrington was finally dead. But what's this got to do with chainsaws? Etymology The word saw should not be confused with the word train, as they are very similar in pronounciation, but very different all the same. One should also note that saw came from word awe, but not fall or faw, which is often confused with some other word that is unknown to mankind. Also, it is notable that the word came from snake, which came from the word naked, which came from the word stripper, which came from the word slut, which came from the word manwhore, which came from the phrase Strippers are sluts and manwhores are snakes, which is what really defines saw. Pronounciation Saw is pronounced like awe, but, if you're Russian, it's pronounced like $#*%#$, and this is notably not like $#*%$#, which means dolphins friggin suck, versus $#*%#$, which means saw, of course, as said. It is pronounced in many different ways, depending on where people live, however, and this is as true as how tasty pie is to a hippie or perhaps some sort of Satin-worshipper. Uses Killing They are often used with killing, as many dumb people go on some kind of killing spree which results in them getting the electric chair and/or 200 years in jail, and for some reason, the court won't just say "for life". Shaving Many people nowadays, when they can't find their razor, are shaving with their trustee chainsaw and/or powersaw, because most average Americans keep a chainsaw and/or powersaw in every single one of their rooms. Price Chainsaws Most chainsaws cost about $4 US dollars but can range from about $3 US Dollars to $7 US dollars, depending on if you're getting it from ebay/amazon (which would, of course, be online) or if you are getting one from Walmart or a gas station. Powersaws You can find these anywhere near construction sites, so when they aren't looking, and are playing Spin-the-Bottle with a bunch of girls or something stupid like that, you can simply steal it and get it for free. Any other type of saw These types of saws simply cost about 70 US cents, and you can get them just about anywhere. In fact, you can probably find them randomly laying in the road somewhere as people get tired of using them and often move on to a much more powerful type of saw (such as a chainsaw or powersaw, as those are obviously far, far superior to the regular saw, because of its dullness, of course). Types There are many different types of saws in modern pop culture. The classic, boring one The regular saw, the one that is not electric, has a wooden handle, usually, and a dullish blade, is the one that your mom probably uses when she's actually working on something that isn't fixing her make-up or shopping for clothes after work. Powersaw Construction workers like to use these when they are working at their job and showing their butt cracks while drinking beer. They also use other tools, ones that aren't inefficient enough for them to not be successful at completing the construction of a concrete structure within a given length of the average worker-time which is five years, according to people who actually care. Chainsaw These are the most fun to use, and are common in horror films because they are so much fun to use, and such relations like that. The chainsaw has a reputation for being dangerous, lifetaking, and used often in movies such as the Chainsaw Massacre, and others, which is one of the most critically-panned movies of all time. They are legendary. Physical appearance Saws are known for being a grayish metal most of the time, but the really cool ones have chains on them and are electric, making the person's neck that is blocking its path be like a knife cutting through wet tissue paper. They are known for being extra-sharp, unless, of course they are dull, which would really suck. If they are just kind of dull, then that's fine, but if they are, like, as dull as the mind of a perverted thirteen year old, then you definitely need to see some kind of Saw therapist, because he/she will need to fix your saw up and sharpen it for you. Common killing method The way you use it is you shoot it like a gun, making you look like a retard, and then you confuse the viewer by hitting it softly against the wall, making them wonder what you're doing. Finally, you go in for the kill, which results in you taking the saw and moving it back and forth on the victim's head, making him be in severe pain and you in severe guilt, so you shoot him instead, with some sort of shotgun, of course, because using a handgun or a rifle or a bazooka or an atomic bomb would be a dumb move, seeing how it would definitely effect your presence, too. See also *Saw (disambiguation) *Saw (film) *Saw (horror film)